


Up Until Now, We've Done Our Very Best

by Kyo (Kyoupann)



Series: Domesticity [3]
Category: Brave 10, ブレイヴ・テン
Genre: Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, because boys be gently with each other, but also so much fluff, idk?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 11:30:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20638436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyoupann/pseuds/Kyo
Summary: A snowy night gives Yuri the opportunity to tell Saizou what's been bothering him lately.





	Up Until Now, We've Done Our Very Best

> ** _Come to me, I’ll give you warmth._ **

“Sorry.”

He looks up from his phone as he hears Kamanosuke speak. They had been sitting in comfortable silence for the last hour, cuddling up to one another in an attempt to fight the cold temperatures.

Kamanosuke being sorry was something new; he rarely ever admitted doing something wrong, but when he did, he had fucked up really bad.

“What did you do now?”

Kamanosuke stayed quiet and, like the needy boy he is, cuddled closer to Saizou. He rested his head on his Saizou’s left shoulder and closed his eyes, thinking how to explain himself.

“How did you know?”

The question rolled out of his lips so naturally, it felt like it had been rehearsed times before.

Saizou is confused, but not surprised. It is not unusual for Kamanosuke not to make sense. Indeed, that was one of his personality traits, he thought; being a fucking mess from head to toe.

“What do you mean?”

“The other day, after you fucked me, you said you loved me.”

Saizou grimaced at the redhead’s crude vocabulary. Not like he wasn’t used to it, but the wording of the sentence just didn’t feel right. He didn’t just _fuck him. _They had had that conversation before.

“Don’t say it like that. Makes it feel like you didn’t want to.”

“Then what was it? We made love?”

He wants to strangle him right there and then. _They had had that conversation before_. What part of _call it whatever you want, but carve it in your mind that I’m not just fucking you _didn’t he understand? It made Saizou feel so…weird.

“Whatever you want was what I said last time we had this discussion.”

Kamanosuke stays quiet once more and looks down at his hands as if thinking what_ he_ should call it

Saizou looks at him and immediately knows where this is going. He sighs in anticipation and places a soft kiss on top of Kamanosuke’s head. He looks directly at him and tries to decipher the look in his eyes, but there’s nothing but real confusion and a slight hint of anxiety bubbling up.

“How did you know?”

“What?”

Kamanosuke presses his lips together in concentration, then opens his mouth only to close it without having said a word and goes back to thinking, _actually thinking_. He doesn’t look at Saizou, not because he doesn’t want to, but because he physically can’t turn his head away from Saizou’s hands resting on his lap.

“That you loved me. How did you know?”

And Saizou lets out a sigh and brings his hand up to Kamanosuke’s head and pets it. And he thinks that if Kamanosuke was an animal, he would be a puppy; a small, stray puppy.

“I can’t say how. But I know I love you because you are _you_.”

Saizou sees that Kamanosuke is having the hardest time of his life understanding what he just said. He keeps caressing his red locks and looking at him without any other intentions than bringing him back from his messed-up mind.

“Hey, look at me and pay attention to my words, you fucking idiot,” Saizou cups his head in his hands aggressively and forces Kamanosuke to look directly at him,” because I’m not repeating myself.

And Saizou knows he is not right because he isn’t protesting or throwing insults at him; Kamanosuke is just there with a severely perplexed look on his face.

“You might think that I love you because yeah, you’re a very pretty dude. The prettiest dude I know, actually. But that’s not just it, you know that?” Saizou asks and lets Kamanosuke take time to think and barely nod. “I can’t tell you why exactly, love is not something you can just explain. But I’ll tell you this: I love the little things that make you _Kamanosuke_. There’s plenty of reasons why I love you, but I would rather have _you_ find them.”

The silence that follows feels heavier than before and Saizou doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s because Kamanosuke’s eyes are welling-up in silence. Maybe both of them are having a panic attack. He shakes his head at that thought because if he also goes into panic, then who’d get Kamanosuke to calm down? He had to keep his mind clear for both of them.

His worry goes away as he sees Kamanosuke slightly smile although it lacks any sign of relief.

“I’m sorry because I don’t know if I love you.” Yuri says after the silence and tries to advert his gaze from Saizou, but he still had his head in his hands and an insistent look on him.” And I don’t know if I’ll _ever _be able to.”

_Ouch_. That actually hurt. Saizou stills at that. He admits that it doesn’t surprise him, but that doesn’t stop it from nagging at him. He meant it; every word he said was true. He did love Kamanosuke, and he _understands_ him, but it still doesn’t change the fact that he hopes for a day when Kamanosuke will love him back.

“I want to love, I want to feel for you what you feel for me,” he explains quietly, directly into Saizou’s eyes, “But I don’t know if I am capable of loving again. I don’t even remember what it was like.”

Kamanosuke waits for an answer but receives nothing but a disconcerted expression on Saizou’s face. He feels worse than before, he thought to apologise was going to make him feel better because that’s_ what his therapist said. _And he can’t help but think _my therapist knows shit._

“You understand that I can’t feel love for you right now, right?”

It’s now Saizou’s turn to forcibly nod.

“I have this memory of being happy, but I don’t know where. I remember what being happy is like, and I know I remember it because I am happy with you now, and I wonder if that’s what love is like.”

Saizou smiles apologetically and nods again, “not quite the same, but you’re on the right track.”

Kamanosuke visibly relaxes, his shoulders slump down after what felt like hours of being alert. He still feels bad about not being to give back what Saizou has given him, but knowing that he is on the right path to one day tell him he loves him gives him hope. Even if he still thinks of himself as anything but human, he still holds to onto the idea that one day he will be alright again.

“But I know that you have tried your very best until now, and I’m glad you’re doing that. Trying.”

The smiles that follow are the most real ones they have exchanged ever. No sign of worry nor doubt, just pure happiness and love.

“I don’t expect you to love me tomorrow or the day after, Yuri. But you being happy with me is enough.” Saizou gets closer and kisses his forehead and then envelopes him in a gentle hug.

Kamanosuke laces his arms around his neck and rests his head on his shoulder.

“It’s hard, right? Being together.”

“It is, but that’s what love is about.”

They stay like that for a couple of minutes. Not saying anything else, just taking in the essence of the other, completely calm at last. Kamanosuke still tries to get his head around the idea of Saizou loving him even though it’s hard, and he realises that Saizou too has tried his best with him.

“Hey, Saizou.”

“Hmm?”

“I’m very happy right now.”

For others, that might not be much but for Saizou is more than enough.

He knows that one day, Yuri will come up to him ready to tell him how mch he loves him.

But until that day and after, they'll keep doing their best to stay together.

**Author's Note:**

> I started university again and my life has been drained from me.  
I planned to post this during for my birthday last week but uh... that wasn't possible.  
aNYWAY, i love my angsty boys and this is an idea I've had in mind since mid-summer.  
I have so much catching up to do with all the works that have been posted in the b10 tag, I feel truly blessed ;w;
> 
> That's it from me, I hope you liked this short piece. I hope I can post something again soon.  
Any comments/kudos are really appreciated <3 
> 
> -Wae


End file.
